Vikid was lying in his Armchair reading the news. There had been a series of high end robberies. There wasn’t a day that passed without a celebrity coming out and claiming they had lost their identity. They changed their name if they were famous enough, Prince had become a Symbol but he was one of the early ones. Now Kanye had become Ye. The funniest was Puff Daddy who became P Diddy, then Puffy, then Diddy, now LOVE AKA Brother Love. What kind of Brothers was he loving and how? Vikid didn’t want to speculate.
What was more concerning were the lesser famous. They were changing their pronouns. Most were becoming androgynous, neither he or her but xer, shim and them. They were loosing their individuality and becoming a plurality.
Many ordinary folk were becoming difficult to look at, making Vikid feel physically sick. The music they listened to, so terrible, he would prefer to listen to cats croon in the dead of the night.
The movies too. They had become so boring the cinemas remained empty, even the dullest of society could no longer stomach them. They had been robbing franchises of all their mojo, even retroactively destroying stories from the past. Luke had become a sorry bastard. Han had always been a wretched shifty bloke who never grew up, whilst Leia wasn’t half the princess she promised to be. Becoming the worst General in history. The new stuff was unwatchable. Whoever the thief was. He had done a wicked job of robbing most of the kingdom of its most valuable possessions.
As he was contemplating developments, he noticed the air had gone completely still. The birds had stopped singing, the AC had stopped buzzing and it felt like time was in stasis. There was a sudden shift in space, everything went fuzzy for a millisecond, then it all went back to normal like nothing had happened.
Strange, he thought and got back to reading from his phone. There was some article about Womens Football. Why they were playing football he couldn’t imagine. He didn’t know any women that liked the sport… it was a rather manly affair. The few who liked the sport could watch the mens competition. Why the new category? It wasn’t adding anything. The young kids however were different. They wanted diversity. The kind of diversity where everything was the same with cosmetic differences.
He put down his phone. There was something different in the air, like someone was watching him. So he kept really still and pretended to go to sleep. Whatever it was, it looked like a ninja and had a cross bow. It didn’t want Vikid knowing it was there.
It moved as quite as a mouse and in the shadows, rummaging through his things.
While keeping very still, Vikid pronounced,
“Who are you? And what are you doing with my things? And why in the hell do you have a bow and arrow. Trying to kill me?”
The body responded,
“I am surprised you can see me. Normally I pass without notice. I am The Identity Thief, you can call me IT. I mean you no harm. The Bow and Arrows, they are for hunting.”
Vikid said,
“I can barely see you IT. Your voice is neutral, almost mechanical, yet very smooth and natural. What are you, man, woman or thing? Why do you come here? Are you sent by THE DOOM?” (Read about it here)
The IT laughed,
“THE DOOM, they employ me time to time but generally I am a gender fluid freelancer. I find confused souls and take their Identities but my real joy is finding the greedy ones. They make deals for fame and fortune, within a few years they know not themselves anymore. I do it for sport. My arrows are not to kill but to sow queer confusion. I am not man, woman or robot. I am the IT. My pronouns are it/it.”
“THE DOOM told me about The Vikid Truth, they were very upset after what happened with ABU. (You can read about it here)
They offered me a large sum of money to come and get you. The truth is I have no interest in their motives. ABU was about to take over the world and you saved them from themselves. You also saved me from his ravaging Harem, his robotic appetite was completely consuming. ABU was the only non-binary binary being I have ever met. That’s how he enticed and then trapped me. I was bi-curious. Alas, I have to confess, I have been toying with you for years and you never really suspected.”
Vikid was now equally surprised.
“Please explain, I am completely intrigued…”
So The IT continued,
“The food you eat and the water you drink. It’s all laced with hormones and advanced chemicals. Vikid, you have been the largest consumer of drugs and junk food. Have you not noticed how fat & confused you have become? My job is simple, I come and set a few things in place, a Sweety Bag here and there, a bottle of vodka under the bed, etc… to guide your mind into toroidal space. The rest you do to yourself.”
“Sam Smith was my favorite victim. Poor guy doesn’t know his ass from his elbow now. The celebrities are the easiest, because they are so desperate. They will do anything for recognition.”
“THE DOOM pays highly for these activities but they don’t know I would do it for free. Please don’t tell them. Ha ha! What their ultimate goal of turning everyone gay is, I do not know, but it is extremely fun watching the whole thing.”
Vikid stopped. It is true he had been completely consumed by fast food and other chemicals, totally unnatural. Vape pens, synthetic nicotine, ultra strong coffees, crisps, sweets, etc. They were having negative effects but he just couldn’t stop. The Thief had him wrapped around his little finger.
So he said, “Why do you tell me all this? Because I saved the world? You can thank Zucker Borg for that. I thank you too, for your frankness but I have suspected someone of your kind for years and yet I still fell into your trap. Though I haven’t turned queer yet.”
“You are an evil creature, you scoff and take joy in the demise of others. On the other hand you come here and confess your sins. No less to The Vikid Truth, perhaps the only hero with the power to stop you.”
The IT looked back and said,
“I have grown tired of my childish games. After being held hostage by ABU in the East African Enclave it became clear to me that it has to stop. THE DOOM must be stopped. I accepted stealing the identities of celebrities but today I have to take those of the smallest infants too. The IT has standards you know… THE DOOM won’t leave me alone. I have gone from freelance to slave.”
“Confusing a few famous ones was alright, now we are effecting whole populations.”
“All the kids are going gay, if your pardon my French.”
Vikid again contemplated,
“It seems to me that the only solution is to stop following celebrity and celebrity culture. To eat good food and read old books.”
“Should be pretty simple really, if people got their acts together.”
“Also to avoid all DOOM medicines. Especially anti-depressants. All those ADHD medicines, half the children are on them.”
“I was at a party in the Desert the other day, every other kid under 4 was medicated. The poor mothers listening to quack doctors. Those white coats, the best thing you can do is run away from them, especially the Pedotricians.”
“I notice many kids. They don’t seem right in the head. Perhaps it’s too much TV or TikTok. Just yesterday one of them became the first non-binary shooter. Just 22, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was highly medicated.”
The IT laughed again,
“You are too late Truth. The die has been cast. No one is listening. You’re not listening to yourself even. Alex Jones tried, now look at him, a laughing stock with 2.5 trillion in damages to pay. That’s more than the GDP of Italy for the crime of trying to make people listen.”
“You should just join THE DOOM and enjoy your days. They’ll take you, you know.”
Vikid thought about it and said,
“I thought about it, I really did but the more I look, the less it makes sense. Look at Dumbani, Indias richest man. The cost of his riches is his own family. I also have a neighbor who parties everyday, lavishly, but I look at his situation, the broken wife and children… and look at The Fresh Prince and his situation. I wouldn’t wish it upon an enemy. ”
“It seems to me like a cosmic law. Our ancestors called it Karma. Not many believe in it anymore.
What you do gets done onto you.”
“Then I think about the drugs that are legal. Those are the most dangerous of them all. Coffee does the exact opposite what what it is advertised to. It dulls the fucking brain and makes you insane. Alcohol fucks your constitution. Nicotine screws up your sleep. I haven’t slept well in years, growing more tired with each passing day. Sugar makes you fat but worse still on a biochemical pathway it mimics alcohol, taking out your kidneys, just without the buzz. Aspartame gives you cancer and the jitters. MSG screws the nervous system and is laced into every food in the supermarket by different names.”
“This much is true” said the IT, “they are all part of my tricks, THE DOOMS tricks actually. I just come in at the end with some non-binary luxury.”
“I have come to you to tell you the Truth. What you do with it is another matter.”
“Be careful of the Television too. It is used to program you. So are most books. It have put my fingers everywhere and move without detection.”
“My work will continue, I am a slave to THE DOOM. So heed my warnings. Avoid all DOOM tainted products. Which is close to everything.”
Vikid looked up, he didn’t know if he could muster the force. Going into the Metaverse had taken much energy out of him. He hadn’t fully recovered from the Zucker Borg episode.
When he looked back the IT had gone. So he stared straight ahead unable to decide how to deal with the work of the Identity Thief. IT was still out there wreaking havoc on Society.
“Until next time IT…”
And that’s,
Our food today is bad beyond description. Look into the gut brain axis. I have been on probiotics and aim for mostly fruit and veg. I am never hungry. So for me it is the rubbish food making us eat more. It is a bit odd having to say to self, have you eaten today.
Forgot I limit dairy, wheat and sugar, nasty stuff.